I'm trying to cheer myself up. Desperately trying. VERY HARD.
I wonder what had exactly happened to me. Why? Why do these few days seem dull to me, why must things change, why must I adapt myself into something, and not something adapt itself into me?!
A few months back, we were just like strangers, not knowing each other, and not daring to talk more about yourself. Peoples say time washes away everything but why, why this thing does not happen to me; why when time passes by, I feel even more estranged, even more stray to them?
I always love to look at the clock and think, and think whether I could wind back the clock, turn the time back to when I was still a little girl, still an innocent one, inexperienced and unknowledgeable, but were protected by everything, and away from every cruelty and reality of the nowaday society. Today, I met my little cousin. He is only 10 months old, looking so cute and so cheerful. He loves to smile when he looks at me, and the smile was so bright, and so real.
I smiled back at him, and my whole body was warmed up by something called LOVE. Hey, he's just a little infant, who still has to cry to express his own language, and still doesn't know how to totter without people's guidance. But he does have such powerful charm that mesmerises me. For the first time, I saw a true angelic smile.
No wonder peoples love to imagine babies as flying angels with wings growing behind and a glowing star sticks held in little flappy hands. They are pure, and never contaminated. They are sincere, and never fake. They smile when they really mean it; and they cry when they are really upset.
But do look at the peoples around you. Had you ever believed them truly? If you had, had you ever been hurt because you believed too much? Adults do smile but the smile always doesn't mean a smile. There're malicious smiles, pretended smiles, bitter smiles, smug smiles, haughty smiles, and even unfathomable smiles. When a person smiles at you, you may have tot hink, why does he smile at me? Does he have any purpose? What he wants? Does he really mean it? What is he actually thinking in his heart?
Why do we have to be like that, so paranoid, and so trapped by own values? Because the world has changed as the world evolves, peoples have changed as they grow up, you have changed as you develop into what you are.
Can I go back to the time of 1 year ago? When I was happy with everybody I know, and when I was never alone whenever I was. Can I have the time again, when I could always search surreptitiously for the guy I used to love so much, even just a peek would make my heart throb so hard; and when my friends embraced me with all kinds of love and true friendships; and when they loved to shout at me, 'I LOVE YOU!!"???
Time flees and leaves, and I'm still here, leading a lifeless life with hopes that dare not to be wished and expected. I'm learning, but I don't want to grow up. NO.
Can I always be a small kid, as I don't have to worry about anything, and just be happy forever?
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