My Mixed Feelings Chapter 2

I can't get JPA.

I don't know how to describe my feelings. Oh ya, it's true that i'm sad, i'm disappointed. I want to cry. I don't know why. My mood is bad. I feel like bursting out all my feelings that are trying to be compressed inside me so far after i had left my high school.

I'm empty. Oh yes. it's true. I thought i would be happy and enjoying college life, as i had always imagined it last year, but, reality always goes against hopes. I'm useless, i'm targetless, i'm idle.

I still remember, my dad once told me that he dreamt about me getting JPA Scholarships. His face was gleaming with glorious lights, and i know that he's been longing for a scholarship for me. My family is not rich. Having a chance to study A-levels in HELP is already an extravagancy for my family, and yet i still wish to go overseas later for my studies. My family will not be able to afford. I still have 2 younger siblings at home, they too have the hopes to get a good education. Am i to be so selfish? Am i to be the financial burden of my parents?

Yea. I disappointed my dad. He kept on emphasizing that my result is already good enough, it's just that luck isn't with me.

Grief. I start to understand this word. Is it because i'm growing, is it because i'm starting to think of myself and other people, is it because i have seen so much of our society nowadays, that i start to hate and dislike this world? My mum said more are to come, but i don't hope to face them. I can't afford to.

But i still have to learn, learn to face failures, learn to cope with difficulties, learn to fight with prejudices. Sometimes i can't understand why i can't get this, while other people can get it; and why bad things strike, while i'm having optimistic thoughts on it. Why? Why am i so unhappy?

Many friends soothe me when they know that i've failed to get JPA. I really thank them a lot, for being there to give me advices, and cheer me up when i'm down. From them i feel the warmth, the love.

"Nevermind, you still have other chances. Study A-levels well, then later apply scholarships. I'm not rich too. Think openly my dear."
"You still have bank negara. Don't be like that."

Anyway, there are always pros and cons in everything. At least, i don't have to work for government for 10 years. Maybe, i will have a better life without that scholarship.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. May God bless me in my future undertakings. Happy Mother's Day to every mother. You are the best.

And happy birthday to those whose birthdays are today too.